Day 12 - Crusty, Painful and In Need of Sleep!

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my husband and my youngest son.  I did get quite a few stares, but it did not bother me much.  I got a table near the back of the restaurant and sat facing the back.  It was very hot out, and I had been in and out of the car, this seemed to irritate my face, as it was hurting pretty badly, even sitting in the restaurant.  The directl sunlight which hit me for less than a minute was like torture.  My son was running around and wouldn't get in the car, and I was just in agony there for a moment.  At lunch I was relieved that when my gumbo came it was only warm and not hot.  Hot food is not something I desire lately.  My face is dried up and scabbing over.  It hurts to smile, I can feel my face cracking in places.  I'm most comfortable when I can avoid talking or facial expressions.  I've been taking huge doses of ibuprofen, I will call my doctor in the AM since today is Sunday.

I think when people see me, they are trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  It's obvious the red is just on my face, not my neck, chest arms or anything.  It's worse than a sunburn.  I think I look like some kind of fire or explosion went off in my face. I can see them trying to figure it out. 

Last night I felt really bad.  A friend of mine was having a casual girls night at home for her birthday with a few of my other girl friends.  I actually had my husband take me, and brought my youngest along to play with hers.  I didn't really feel up to going, but wanted to show up to let my friend know I care. Of course my face was the topic of discussion for about the first 15 minutes, but then everyone adjusted and moved on.  One of my friends asked me when I decided that I had skin cancer.  I thought that was kind of an odd question.  I didn't decide that I have skin cancer.  I turned 41, noticed over the past few years I was starting to get strange spots and stuff, and knew how many burns I had received in my younger days.  I knew it was time for a check up with my dermatologist who I had been avoiding pretty well for the past 10 years, maybe because I was not ready to deal with what I kind of already suspected. My doctor diagnosed my skin cancer, I honestly can't even remember what kind I have.  I just remember him explaining how it is spread on my face so it can't really be cut off, and that it will come back and we will have to repeat this every year or so for the rest of my life.  I'm not one of those people who wants to know all the details, and sometimes some of that stuff just goes in one ear and out the other with me.  When you hear cancer, and chemo and the doctor is telling you it's going to be so bad you will hate him, and you better plan on staying out of public for a couple of weeks, and that you have young kids still, and a job, and cancer? really?  All  this in about a 3 to 4 minute conversation, it's a bit difficult to take it all in.  Oh ya, and I have more spots that we will be looking at when I'm done with this phase, what was I talking about again?  You get the idea.

I was glad I went over to my friends.  It was nice to laugh and forget about this for awhile.  I'm sure getting out and about helps avoid the depression that could come from hiding as well. Many of our kids were there, and they saw me too.  People ask and I'm pretty much an open book.  If I stay home and hide, who am I helping?  I see that by going out and talking openly to to others who ask, I'm influencing others to get checked, I'm influencing young people to wear their sunblock, and think twice.  Everyone says it looks painful, I admit it is. Who would want to go through this is they could avoid it?  If this is helping others for me to go out like this, and I get to do this every year or so the rest of my life, that is more people I can help.  In the long run, maybe the trickle down effect is that someone avoids getting skin cancer, and a child doesn't lose a parent, or a parent doesn't lose a child before they themselves pass on.  Then maybe I did some good, and maybe left things a little better than I found them.  I am not ashamed of my face at all anymore. 

It also seems to some people who ask about things, that they make the same jump I did at first that Oh, this is just some kind of chemical peel thing.  No it is not.  Flourouracil is chemotherapy medication.  The same medication they inject, scientifically developed to kill cancer cells, only it's in a cream base, made to apply directly to areas of cancer on the skin.  It's a more effective means of delivering the same medication to  exactly where it needs to go.  I don't have nausea, and my hair is not falling out because the medication is not being injected inside of my body.  This is not Retin A, or a cosmetic facial peel. 

New issue of the past two days.  My husband is home.  He snores!  Normally I manage to sleep through it, but I am sleeping so lightly from the pain in my face, every time he stirs or snores I'm awake.  The past two nights I've been up to nearly 5:30 AM.  That sleep I get in the early AM is just not enough.  It's definitely causing a bit of stress between us.  Normally he travels during the week.  Of course this week when I probably need the bed to myself he is scheduled to be home.  We will get through this.  I still do not hate my doctor. 

A couple of more things...I have a couple of comments on my site that I have tried to respond to.  The system is not posting my responses.  This is my first blog so I'm still learning how to do all this, so bare with me. Al, I love what you are doing and yes you can use my photographs, all I ask is that you  please give me photo credit and let me know where exactly you are using them. I read a story about a wife and mother who recently died from Melanoma last night at 3AM on Al's Blog. Al, I'd like to provide a link to your blog from mine if that is OK with you.  Your page is what I turn to late at night when I can't sleep. To everyone.... this is scary stuff.  Please wear your SPF and take care of your skin, if not for yourself, for those who love you.  Get screened.  There is so much they can do if they catch it early.  Melanoma is a killer though, so don't wait until it's too late.  There are people who will be in your lives 10, 20, 30 years from now who you will love very much.  The decisions you make today, could impact those people many years from now.  You are not invincible.  Humans are living to be much older than in the past. Do you want to be 100 years old with your ears cut off and gouges and scars all over you?  Think about these things!!

Day 11 Road Rash

Last night was terrible.  I've become pretty good at pushing the pillow back out of my face, while I sleep with my face in the air, but the edges touch my face a bit, especially on the down side.  Last night was the worst night for pain and a new issue.....sticking to the pillow case.  I'm starting to scab over, I'm very peely, cracked and  I even ooze on occasion.  I didn't fall asleep until after 4 AM because I couldn't stand the prickly pain the pillow would cause, or the even worse sensation, the sticking to it from an oozing part of my face.  Those really soft pillow cases I bought have a few blood spots on them this AM, and at this point I don't think soft even matters.  I also had to take 4 ibuprofen which is too many.  My husband is insisting I call the Dr. for pain medication, but I'll try to hold out a bit longer. 

Once when roller blading I was nearly hit by a car.  I avoided the car and went down on the pavement, in shorts, of course. Road Rash. The wound on my leg was nasty, the first few nights before it had scabbed over completley it would stick to the sheets.  This is what my face is reminding me of now.  I know it looks bad, but it seems funny I don't really care about that so much.  It's very uncomfortable.  My face feels like I was drug on the asphalt for a block.  Will I do this again?  Of course, it's still tolerable, just annoying.  Forgive me if I'm a little short tempered lately, everything seems to be wearing on my nerves more than usual, but I think it's pretty understandable given the state of my face. 

My little blog here has had over 200 views from around the world already.  Wow and Thanks! I don't know how to say hi in Arabic, so "hi".   I hope all this helps some of you.  It's not fun, but it's really not that bad.  Trust me if I can do this, you can do it too.  I'm a total wuss!

Day 10 Oh Ya, I Forgot

Last night a few of my customers thought I had a sunburn at first, some made comments about me getting burned.  I just politely and honestly explained why I looked like this.  Sometimes I forget I look they way I do, then I see myself in the mirror and have kind of a wow, oh ya moment.

My Father in Law is healing from his surgery, they don't know the results of it yet, so we are all praying for him. 

I seem to be cracking and crusting a bit.  Some spots on my face are really white, or turning brownish, I don't know what that means.  I'm more inflamed than ever, but the pain is slacking off a bit at times.  The ibuprofen helps a lot.  I put Aquifer on my face yesterday, which is like Vaseline.  I never put anything greasy on my face and don't know that I can handle doing that again.  Carmex is like the best thing in the universe.   I get a few looks from people now and then, but it really doesn't bother me.  I opened the shop all day, I'm out and about just about as much as normal, if it bothers others, they're doing a good job of concealing it. I think I must be close to the bad part, and after 3 kids and other things in life, I can say this is something I can handle.  It's irritating, but no where near unbearable. 

I hear when I'm all healed my skin is going to look great.  I bet there are some of those women who are all into plastic and Botox, who would pay big money for this "peel" lol. I guess I won't need any of those since I'm getting this every few years the rest of my life.  There is good in nearly every situation if you look hard enough.  Sometimes it takes the bad to really appreciate how good a normal day can be.

Day 9 Drying Out and Kicking Myself for Being So Stupid!!!

My Father in Law had to go in for surgery today to remove lymph glands that his skin cancer has spread to. That is what we want to avoid, letting it grow and spread.  It's bad news once it gets into the lymph glands.  My Father in Law is a retired Marine.  The guy is a tough one.  Anyone can get skin cancer though.  I lost my own father to  cancer about 5 years ago, so that is always in the back of my mind.  Our prayers are with my Father in Law, and my boys Grandfather, I hope they get it all out and he heals quickly.
 
My skin is starting to dry out and peel off.  I always wash my face with a washcloth right after I shower.  Today I had to be careful because 1.) it hurts, and 2.) my skin was coming off with the washcloth.  I actually think the top layers of my skin are dead, so the pain has eased just a bit.  I'm taking Ibuprofen today to stay comfortable. 

This is the busiest day of the week at my shop, so I'm going in.  I don't want to disappoint any customers who come over. It should be interesting to see how people react to my face. 

This is not comfortable, but it beats the heck out of dying from skin cancer.  I hope others learn from my mistakes and wear sunblock, hats etc.  I always figured they would have a cure for this before I got old, I guess they do in a way if this can be called a cure.  The artificial tanning products on the market now are fabulous.  Fortunately  many wise and health conscious  people are now using those products rather than taking the risk of getting skin cancer from a sun tan.  My days of laying out by the pool or on the beach are over.  I remember how important it was to me to be the darkest one on the beach. Those tans are long faded and forgotten.  Was my tan worth the possibility of not being here for my son's wedding or college graduation?  Hell no, it was just stupid!  Most of the damage was done long before I even had kids, and now they are my number 1 concern in this.  The pain, the ugly..... no problem, bring it on.  The possibility we miss a spot someday and my kids lose me earlier than they should, that is what bothers me the most.

Day 8 Now I Know How Vampires Feel

I feel halfway comfortable indoors in the AC.  If I had my choice about when to time this procedure, I think next time in the spring or fall, before it's too hot or too cold.  Maybe somewhere where there are few daylight hours. I really needed to get to my classroom to start getting ready for the school year, or down to my business, but I can't stand the thought of the pain of going out there into the heat.  If only someone had invented a little cooler thingy to wear around my head. I still feel really worn down too.  I'm staying in my PJs. 

Today I have not ventured outdoors at all, my face doesn't hurt too bad if I don't make any facial expressions or talk.  Remy noticed I'm beginning to pronounce my "r"s as "w"s.  That is obviously because I'm trying to avoid the pain of moving my lips (try saying right and wite, you'll see what I'm talking about).  My husband is out of town and my family is far away.  I'm home alone with the kids, trying to get the 1/4 gallon of milk we have left to stretch until tomorrow to avoid having to go out into the hell that is daytime in Florida. Everytime I read a post on Facebook that someone is out at the pool or beach,  I feel pain in my face.  I'm not joking it's very weird. The past couple of days, I've gone out at dark which is not bad.  Unfortunately, the rest of the world is pretty much home in bed at that point. 

Ideally I'd have no responsibilities and could just hibernate and read for a month.  The reality is that is not my life.  Today is PJ day, tomorrow I'm going to have to suck it up and get out there and feel the burn. 

Note that even though I look worse than ever, at this point I really don't care, the pain is my main concern.  My doctor said I would hate him before this is over.  I'm not there yet, but I'd say the possibility is definitely there in the very near future.  I'm finally ready for pain killers....look out Ibuprofen, I'm coming for you.  Hardcore I know, and to think I live in the Hydrocodone capital of the world. 

I'm really regretting all the tanning beds, skier face burns, times I got burned on the boat or at the beach.  Last night I actually found myself wishing I could go back 30 years and redo all those bad choices.  The look of tan skin looks disgusting and painful to me  right now.  It must be like negative re enforcement like when they shocked my step dad every time he wanted a cigarette until he couldn't stand the thought of them anymore (as far as I know this practice is now illegal in the US because it caused nerve damage). In over 20 years of knowing him, he still hates cigarettes.  If anything I feel like I want to stay in the cool and dark.  The worst thought of all though, is that if somehow we miss a spot, or I slack off on staying on top of it, this could kill me.  It's not death I fear, it's that my youngest is 3 years old.  Even if I last another 40 years of getting these things cut and burned off me, he will only be in his early 40s.  At 41, I'm still too young to lose my Mom.  Yep, if I could go back, and make different choices, I would.

Day 7 Owwww It Burns!

I have to say thanks to my oldest son Remy for photographing me the past few days.

People are starting to look at me today, but they quickly look away, it's not so bad.  I ran into an old ski buddy of mine this AM at the doctors office.  She almost looked away, but then recognized my eyes under all  of the red.  She knew right away what it was, she's a nurse practitioner, and a few years older than me.  Turns out she's already been through this, and warned me it's going to be miserable.  The good news, she looks great now.  Ski bums, wear your sunblock!

I took my boys out for pizza today.  The heat of the day felt terrible. I love to eat spicy food and couldn't wait to get my favorite spicy Buffalo Chicken Pizza.  It was terrible, my face is in constant burning pain right now, and to feel that same feeling in my mouth at this moment was torture.  On the other hand frozen yogurt tasted great last night.  No more spicy food until I'm past this.  My lips are burning too.  The medicine seems to be running down the very fine little wrinkles above my top lip, into my top lip.  I've tried to avoid this by applying Carmex to my lips before each treatment with Flourourcil.  I  have fried my lips many times in the past, so they might as well get treated too I guess. 

It was very cool inside the theatre where I was doing my photography session last night.  It felt so nice, I was almost sad to leave.  Cool definitely feels better on my skin right now.

Day 6 Significant Redness

Last night it was difficult to sleep due to the pain in my face.  It feels as if I am severely sunburned.  I got a bit of sleep if I didn't move, but any movement of my face stings and wakes me up.  On my sides I crunched up my pillow behind my ears, so that nothing was touching my face.  This was the only way I could get comfortable.  I never sleep on my back, I guess I'm going to have to learn how. 
This AM I applied some hydrocortizone to my face because it felt really uncomfortable and I had read that it helps with the discomfort and dryness from  the Flourouracil.  I honestly can't say that it feels any different.   Carmex is a must, which as I said seems strange because I am not applying the medication to my lips.   I'm holding off as long as I can on Ibprofen because I figure I have a few weeks of this and I don't want to harm my liver.  I noticed on another blog they were taking Tylenol for the pain.  For myself I will take Ibprofen, because I think the antiinflamatory benefits may help a bit too.  I am not a doctor, so please check with your own doctor.  I'm one of those people who are really bad about calling over the little things, and most likely will not have contact with mine until my appointment on August 15. 
One thing to note; I live in the hot and humid south.  When I went home to Washington State for awhile this summer, my skin dried out quite a bit, it seems to not dry out down here in the hot and humid Florida summers though.  Before I began this treatment, I figured that the humidity probably helps, and that doing it in the cold, dry part of the winter might feel worse.  Please remember, I am in no way a medical expert, or medical anything and these are just my personal opinions and thoughts.