Day 12 - Crusty, Painful and In Need of Sleep!

Yesterday I went out to lunch with my husband and my youngest son.  I did get quite a few stares, but it did not bother me much.  I got a table near the back of the restaurant and sat facing the back.  It was very hot out, and I had been in and out of the car, this seemed to irritate my face, as it was hurting pretty badly, even sitting in the restaurant.  The directl sunlight which hit me for less than a minute was like torture.  My son was running around and wouldn't get in the car, and I was just in agony there for a moment.  At lunch I was relieved that when my gumbo came it was only warm and not hot.  Hot food is not something I desire lately.  My face is dried up and scabbing over.  It hurts to smile, I can feel my face cracking in places.  I'm most comfortable when I can avoid talking or facial expressions.  I've been taking huge doses of ibuprofen, I will call my doctor in the AM since today is Sunday.

I think when people see me, they are trying to figure out what is wrong with me.  It's obvious the red is just on my face, not my neck, chest arms or anything.  It's worse than a sunburn.  I think I look like some kind of fire or explosion went off in my face. I can see them trying to figure it out. 

Last night I felt really bad.  A friend of mine was having a casual girls night at home for her birthday with a few of my other girl friends.  I actually had my husband take me, and brought my youngest along to play with hers.  I didn't really feel up to going, but wanted to show up to let my friend know I care. Of course my face was the topic of discussion for about the first 15 minutes, but then everyone adjusted and moved on.  One of my friends asked me when I decided that I had skin cancer.  I thought that was kind of an odd question.  I didn't decide that I have skin cancer.  I turned 41, noticed over the past few years I was starting to get strange spots and stuff, and knew how many burns I had received in my younger days.  I knew it was time for a check up with my dermatologist who I had been avoiding pretty well for the past 10 years, maybe because I was not ready to deal with what I kind of already suspected. My doctor diagnosed my skin cancer, I honestly can't even remember what kind I have.  I just remember him explaining how it is spread on my face so it can't really be cut off, and that it will come back and we will have to repeat this every year or so for the rest of my life.  I'm not one of those people who wants to know all the details, and sometimes some of that stuff just goes in one ear and out the other with me.  When you hear cancer, and chemo and the doctor is telling you it's going to be so bad you will hate him, and you better plan on staying out of public for a couple of weeks, and that you have young kids still, and a job, and cancer? really?  All  this in about a 3 to 4 minute conversation, it's a bit difficult to take it all in.  Oh ya, and I have more spots that we will be looking at when I'm done with this phase, what was I talking about again?  You get the idea.

I was glad I went over to my friends.  It was nice to laugh and forget about this for awhile.  I'm sure getting out and about helps avoid the depression that could come from hiding as well. Many of our kids were there, and they saw me too.  People ask and I'm pretty much an open book.  If I stay home and hide, who am I helping?  I see that by going out and talking openly to to others who ask, I'm influencing others to get checked, I'm influencing young people to wear their sunblock, and think twice.  Everyone says it looks painful, I admit it is. Who would want to go through this is they could avoid it?  If this is helping others for me to go out like this, and I get to do this every year or so the rest of my life, that is more people I can help.  In the long run, maybe the trickle down effect is that someone avoids getting skin cancer, and a child doesn't lose a parent, or a parent doesn't lose a child before they themselves pass on.  Then maybe I did some good, and maybe left things a little better than I found them.  I am not ashamed of my face at all anymore. 

It also seems to some people who ask about things, that they make the same jump I did at first that Oh, this is just some kind of chemical peel thing.  No it is not.  Flourouracil is chemotherapy medication.  The same medication they inject, scientifically developed to kill cancer cells, only it's in a cream base, made to apply directly to areas of cancer on the skin.  It's a more effective means of delivering the same medication to  exactly where it needs to go.  I don't have nausea, and my hair is not falling out because the medication is not being injected inside of my body.  This is not Retin A, or a cosmetic facial peel. 

New issue of the past two days.  My husband is home.  He snores!  Normally I manage to sleep through it, but I am sleeping so lightly from the pain in my face, every time he stirs or snores I'm awake.  The past two nights I've been up to nearly 5:30 AM.  That sleep I get in the early AM is just not enough.  It's definitely causing a bit of stress between us.  Normally he travels during the week.  Of course this week when I probably need the bed to myself he is scheduled to be home.  We will get through this.  I still do not hate my doctor. 

A couple of more things...I have a couple of comments on my site that I have tried to respond to.  The system is not posting my responses.  This is my first blog so I'm still learning how to do all this, so bare with me. Al, I love what you are doing and yes you can use my photographs, all I ask is that you  please give me photo credit and let me know where exactly you are using them. I read a story about a wife and mother who recently died from Melanoma last night at 3AM on Al's Blog. Al, I'd like to provide a link to your blog from mine if that is OK with you.  Your page is what I turn to late at night when I can't sleep. To everyone.... this is scary stuff.  Please wear your SPF and take care of your skin, if not for yourself, for those who love you.  Get screened.  There is so much they can do if they catch it early.  Melanoma is a killer though, so don't wait until it's too late.  There are people who will be in your lives 10, 20, 30 years from now who you will love very much.  The decisions you make today, could impact those people many years from now.  You are not invincible.  Humans are living to be much older than in the past. Do you want to be 100 years old with your ears cut off and gouges and scars all over you?  Think about these things!!