Healing Day 6 -Is it ok for me to postpone my pity party until a week from now?

I slept good last night thanks to the pain medication, and got off bright eyed and bushy tailed to my first day back at school.  It was really nice to be back, new classroom, everyone seemed happy, and great to see my friends who I hadn't seen all summer.  I didn't go out for lunch to avoid going outdoors, but I had plenty of work to do.  My principal kind of told everyone I was having treatments, and would get better soon.  Some of my friends who didn't know asked about it.  It went well.  It was a very productive day, and that helps keep my mind off of it.  Every once in awhile I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and see how bad I looked, I felt sorry for my co workers having to look at me like this.  They are saints though, and they do make me feel welcome.  At one point today, one of my friends had me laughing, I have to try really hard not to, because it hurts when my face cracks.  Guess I laughed a little too hard, because she had to politely tell me my face was bleeding, it was literally running down my face, and I did not feel it, do to all the scabbing and pain.  I really appreciate the way my friends handled it.   I'm very blessed.

Unfortunately my doctor's appointment didn't go so well.  The staff was giving me looks and comments about my face.  It wasn't until the doctor came in and we were speaking for a few minutes that I realized they were all in shock, my face was not having the "normal" reaction to the chemotherapy.  The doctor explained that I was like that 1 in 1000 patients who had a really bad reaction.  When I called needing the pain medication, they had assumed I was exaggerating.  Today he increased my pain medication.  He was very serious, which was a little scary.  He said that the damage from the sun was worse than what he would have seen in an 85 year old blond and blue eyed farmer who had spent his life in the sun. :-( 

I'm only 41.  I have to be around a lot longer than an 85 year old would need to be.  I have three kids. How could I have been so stupid to have done this to myself?!  The doctor said he didn't know how I would be able to do this to myself again.  If you've been reading you know I had the same thought.  Even through the worst of this I have told myself I will do it again, no matter how painful, because it's for my kids.  He did say that maybe in the future I would apply the medication for a week instead of two, or follow it up with a different kind of medication. I really don't care, I'll do it to stay alive.    He also mentioned very seriously that he had no idea it was so bad.  He was very grateful that we caught it and treated it now.  He said it would have been a completely different story in two or three years.  Two or Three.  I want to cry, I am scared and upset, but it hurts my face too much to cry.  Maybe in a week or two I can allow myself a few moments to let it out.  He gave me a stronger prescription for Loritab and is putting me on Pregnizone and some other steroid to help heal me up.  Hopefully I am not scarred up for life.  At this point though, I would handle that, and do it all over again.  It's not about how I look anymore. 

Please get yourselves checked.  Please wear sunblock, avoid tanning beds, and take care of your skin.